subscribeTag: vampires
Stake ‘Em
by dusty on Jan.25, 2010, under Uncategorized
That’s it, I’m putting my foot down. I’ve had it with the teen-vampire craze, particularly the Twilight novels and movies. I propose an immediate Madison police policy of threatening any eyeliner-sporting pale-skinned guy with a wooden stake to the heart.
Think my reaction’s a little extreme? I bet you the jogger in this Madison police report would agree with me:
| Incident report for Case#2010-21481 | |
| Released 01/25/2010 at 10:50 AM by PIO Joel DeSpain | |
| Incident Type | Battery |
|---|---|
| Incident Date | 01/24/2010 – 9:14 AM |
| Address | 400 block Allen Street (bike path) |
| Suspect(s) | Male, white, 20-29 years old, 5′9″ to 5′10″, slender build, spiky brown hair, clean shaven, wearing a gray t-shirt, black jogging pants, and black running shoes. |
| Victim | Female, age 21, Madison |
| Details | A 21-year old Madison woman had stopped to stretch during a run Sunday morning when a stranger tackled her. The victim said it was about 8:30 a.m., and she was on the bike path beneath the overpass where Allen Street becomes Edgewood Avenue. She says the man said nothing, but did flash his teeth and hiss, as he attempted to hold her on the ground. She fought back and was able to run away. |
You read it here first — either some member of the lunatic fringe is convinced he’s a character in one of these crappy vampire stories that are suddenly everywhere, or the daywalkers are really among us. Either way, sound public policy dictates that we hunt down anyone who looks suspiciously emo, whose skin is just a bit too pale or whose clothing is too strategically disheveled, and we stake ‘em.
As for this poor jogger’s mystery assailant, I’ve rounded up the usual suspects and put together this lineup. Male? White? Twenty-something? Slender? Spiky brown hair? Gray T-shirt? Propensity to hiss? I think we have our suspect.
Stake 'em. All of 'em.
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