The Battle of Cambria

by dusty on Aug.16, 2009 , under Uncategorized

Anyone who tells you there’s nothing interesting going on in Wisconsin’s hundreds of tiny little villages and towns has never lived in one of them. They’ve certainly never been to Cambria, Wisconsin.

While the political intrigue may not look like it does on TV, it’s just as complex and perplexing. Certainly, there are fewer people in the political arena than there are on Capitol Hill, but with a limited number of players, the tempers burn faster, the grudges last longer and the fight is always personal.

I had the privilege to spend quite a bit of time in Cambria for a previous job, and being a crank for conflict, I quickly developed a quiet affinity for what I would come to call “the most controversial little village in Wisconsin.” Sporting a robust population of 792, according to the old sign on the edge of town, I’m fairly certain the village would place in the top ten on a list of “municipalities in the US with the most contentious issues per capita.”

The latest tale out of Cambria to capture my attention was the sudden and thorough evisceration of the village’s police force by the Board of Trustees. Facing reportedly high levels of dissatisfaction among the populace with Police Chief Rick Nelson and his three part-time cops, the Village Board opted for amputation over the operation, dissolved the police department and fired the cops.

Critics of the move… well they said a lot of things, but among their concerns was a fear that Cambria would quickly come to resemble the Wild West. This a fear that an old source and friend of mine in the village now assures me was completely founded, due to a large population of Amish that live nearby and their “penchant for making trouble.”

The “problems” it seems have “escalated” in the weeks since Chief Nelson and his compatriots were sent west, and have come to include disturbances like loitering, graffiti (via paint and brush, mind you) and “ride-by tauntings.” In a manner reminiscent of a Civil War Diary, my Cambrian described for me in vivid detail, in an email, a recent skirmish between the two factions that had me rolling with laughter — on a day that I really needed it, too.

When I asked if I could re-publish his account, my source asked that I credit him as Norman Des Plume. As such, I have no reason to doubt his report is anything but factual and accurate.

“August 12, 2009

Tonight (as has become usual in the absence of ineffectual, effectively part-time police protection,) they began rolling into town just about sundown. The Amish tauntings began as the buggy battalion trotted its way onto Mary Street and continued as the lead buggy approached the end of the street nearest our house.

This time though, we were ready for them.

Suddenly and almost as one, we emerged from our houses. Brandishing the latest in high tech devices, (our iPods, our Zunes (not so great, actually,) our Blackberries and iPhones,) we began the counter-tauntings!

We’d brought to the battle their most lusted after of forbidden fruits. High! Freakin’! Tech!

Well, you could have knocked down a draft horse with a feather… The black-garbed brethren and sisters were struck dead dumb.

We all paused in our texting (and scandoulously, our sexting!,) our surfings and in our tweetings. We awaited their next move.

And. In a wave beginning with the lead buggy, the Amish womenfolk, in an obviously choreographed fashion, leaned from their buggies and one by one, EXPOSED THEIR BOSOMS! (Not so bad, actually…)

There was nothing for it but to retreat back into our homes in abject defeat. Check and mate.

Mark my words though, we’ll be ready for them the next time…..”

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