Character flaws — I have my share. Among them, I can be boastful and I’m very, very, incredibly stubborn. But those factors combined do have an interesting side effect, and it’s both a blessing and a curse. I always follow through on a bet, no matter the level of inebriation nor the absurdity involved at the time of the wager.

Case in point my latest foray into the culinary dark arts: the Onion Dog. Before you pass judgment, let me explain how this aberration came to be, and my role in facilitating this process.

A crime against nature

For those of you keeping track at home, yes, you are in fact looking at an onion, pierced by seven hot dogs, wrapped in bacon, skewered and grilled. And yes, it’s perfectly natural to be repulsed by this. But no, I cannot take credit for the evil, maniacal genius needed to conjure such a thing out of the mind’s darkest recesses. That distinction goes to one Adam Schabow.

It must have been about a month ago now that Schabow’s band the Shabelles and the band I was drumming for at the time performed a moderately successful gig at the High Noon Saloon. Following the show, I invited members of both groups over to my place for the customary grilling of meat/imitation-meat-for-those-who-prefer and drinking of beer. Schabow attended, as did keys player Nate Tredinnick, and we consumed vast quantities of each commodity.

The coup de foudre of the evening occurred as Schabow was loading up yet another hot dog, heaping it with diced onions. When I commented on the abundance of his onions, he replied, “Man, I love onions on hot dogs so much. If I could just take a hot dog and, like, infuse it through an onion, I’d grill it and eat it like an apple.”

Nate was incredulous. He insisted Schabow’s idea had no grounding in reality whatsoever. When I pointed out it would be possible for one to use a drill to hollow a suitable-sized hole in an onion, he scoffed at the notion, claiming onions lacked the structural integrity to withstand that kind of manipulation.

I thought about it for a moment, putting my engineer’s-brain-two-generations-removed to work and turning the design around in my head, then remarked, “No, I bet if we drilled holes in it like the cylinder on a revolver, we could fit up to… five hot dogs in a good-sized onion.”

The gauntlet had been thrown. Schabow’s love of onions on hot dogs, Nate’s doubt and my lust to achieve the unachievable formed a perfect storm of male testosterone, and we established the terms of the bet. Nate refused to take odds in his favor, insisting ours was a fool’s errand, and ten dollars was established as the winning party’s take. I was to acquire three onions (for three attempts, though only one was needed), a power drill and a suitable bit, and we would reconvene at a date to be determined later.

I don’t know about the other guys, but I had no doubt in my mind the final showdown would occur. Eventually, we settled on last Saturday for a date with destiny.

For the record, a good-sized onion can hold five onions, drilled and mounted parallel to each other in a circle around the outer edge of the onion. In fact, a good-sized onion can hold  seven hot dogs if the holes are drilled precisely. While it’s a figure I’m sure can be topped, and I welcome anyone to try, I’m confident in saying seven was my best effort on that particular night. Between my rusty carpentry skills and the copious tears brought on by the powerful reek of onion hitting me like pepper spray from the project two feet in front of my face, I’m just happy to have completed it with all my fingers intact.

Drill, Baby, Drill!

Upon completion of the drilling, we stuffed the hot dogs into the onions. And then, because the project had suddenly taken on a vile and malevolent life of its own, we wrapped the newly formed “Onion Dogs” in bacon and skewered them for grilling. Then we sat back and wondered at the horrific abominations we had created.

Grill, Baby, Grill!

A very smart, albeit fictional, man once said, “Now I know what it feels like to be God!” And while my desire to see this project come to fruition was very powerful, it was similarly, purely academic. I didn’t actually want to eat the thing (though I felt obligated to try it), and I certainly wasn’t in it for my share of the ten dollars. I did know what a pieced-together, unnatural terror I was unleashing onto a very vulnerable world, and I simply didn’t care. I wanted to prove that it could be done, and I wanted to claim this ugly accomplishment as my own.

I don’t yet know if I will feel any remorse for what I did. There’s a muted sense of awe, coupled with a dash of perverse pride and a dollop of indigestion, but no remorse yet.

Awestruck

One thing’s for sure — witnessing the genesis of the Onion Dog had a profound effect on everyone who was present. I watched the color gradually drain from Nate’s face as the project progressed. I think it had more to do with his sense of right and wrong than it did with his vegetarianism or his fear of losing ten dollars. Reem was so appalled, she documented the whole thing and posted it for the world to see on her blog, to which I owe credit for these lovely pictures I borrowed (Thank you!). Others in the room expressed varying degrees of discomfort or nausea.

And of course Schabow documented the whole thing on video. If you gird your loins and say a little oath, you can watch the complete genesis of the Onion Dog at Dane101.

So, I guess if there’s a moral to this story (and rest assured morals were not used judiciously in the creation of the Onion Dog), it’s that I don’t make a bet I can’t win. And I always follow through.

Finally, since I know everyone is headed home for the holidays and it’s often necessary to bring a dish to pass, here is the recipe for the Onion Dog. Use it responsibly.

Madison Onion Dogs

1        Good-sized Onion

5-7   Bun-length hot dogs

2        Strips of bacon

1        Pat of butter (optional)

1        Kebab skewer stick

1        Power drill with 13/16″ wood drill bit

Barbecue sauce, ketchup or other condiments as desired

1. Peel outer layer from onion. Use drill to make 5-7 parallel holes through the onion, making a ring around its outer edge.
2. Insert hot dogs into holes, using butter if necessary as lubricant.
3. Wrap the onion in bacon, and secure with the kebab skewer
4. Grill for 20-30 minutes, keeping hot dogs perpendicular to the flames and turning every five minutes.
5. Brush with barbecue sauce or dip in ketchup. Have a friend or family member dial nine and one on the phone, then stand-by. Eat as you would an apple.
6. Dusty Weis and Adam Schabow are not responsible for stroke, heart failure, stomach rupture or brain explosion (from sheer terror) associated with the consumption of the Onion Dog.

Happy holidays, everyone!

It’s no secret I have a penchant for things that are big and flashy. I like my football games high-scoring, my bonfires barn-sized and my final showdowns epic… and possibly filled with lasers.

So prior to the big Edgewater redevelopment city council debate, you bet your sweet bippy I did what I could to fan the flames of hype that swirled up around the story. How often is it, after all, that a zoning issue gets that kind of attention and stirs up that kind of opinion, for and against, among the general populace? I had friends I have never known to take an interest in politics let me know their feelings about this project.

But in terms of what I expected from the “Super Bowl of City Council Debates” and the 11-hour marathon session the council delivered, I was quite frankly taken aback. While one would be hard-pressed to label the council’s deliberations “insubstantial” or the public discourse anything but “robust,” it doesn’t take a doctor to tell you the process itself was “unhealthy” on a very basic, physical level for those involved.

So when Alder Michael Schumacher told me today he was leaning toward moving for a reconsideration of the vote, my first question for him was, “How many death threats have you gotten already?”

Schumacher and two other Alders were absent from the big meeting on a motion that failed by two votes. It’s very likely that with a full house present it would have gone through. So even though it’s Schumacher’s privilege to move reconsideration, the notion of taking the issue up again raises mixed emotions in me.

While I feel very strongly that Hammes Company’s proposal is a piece of architecture worthy of a vibrant and growing city, part of me never wants to hear the word “Edgewater” again. I know I’m not the only one getting burned out on the issue and the constant struggle around it, and that’s not just the (pretty minor) hangover talking.

But the thought of this project getting bullied out of existence just doesn’t sit well with me. Maybe it’s reached a point where that’s inevitable, and if so, that’s too bad. As Madison’s landmarks ordinances are written the awful cliche holds true. The Edgewater redevelopment would be “out of character with the neighborhood,” though one could argue the existing hotel is already “out of character with the neighborhood.”

The thing is, all of my favorite buildings in Madison — the capitol, the Monona Terrace, the Red Gym, US Bank, the Overture Center, Machinery Row, the court house — all of them are grossly out of character with the surrounding buildings. If I wanted architecture that “went along” with the rest of the neighborhood, I’d live in the suburbs, and I assure you it will be a cold day in hell if that ever happens.

And I’m still waiting for someone to tell me how a brand new hotel plaza and tower would detract in any way from the other historic architecture in the Mansion Hill neighborhood. This isn’t Colonial Williamsburg, for God’s sake. Variety is the spice of life. If you want an example of what happens when a place goes too long without any fresh development, take a drive through Beloit, or Superior, or Rockford (IL), or Bloomington-Normal (IL), or Waterloo (IA), or any of the other midwestern cities that would step all over themselves to get one developer interested in building any project at all, let alone one of this caliber.

I understand that here in Madison, we have a history of fighting the man. I enjoy fighting the man myself. Hammes company is a corporation, corporations are driven by a desire to make money and the desire to make money is very often the root of all that’s evil. But I don’t see anyone lining up a grassroots effort to raise millions of dollars and build an architectural landmark that makes my city a more colorful place to live.

Using a corporation to our benefit as a city — and I do think that’s what we should strive to do, as they strive to use us to their benefit all the time, and in a perfect world, it’s mutually beneficial — is contingent on having rules in place that strike a balance. The Landmarks Commission, in rejecting the proposal, was following the rules set before them. And when it came time for the full city council to consider overturning their ruling, one of the swing votes that derailed Edgewater as it stands belonged to Alder Satya Rhodes-Conway, whom I admire and respect greatly but completely disagree with in this case.

She says a constituent advised her that if she couldn’t articulate why the Landmarks Commission should be overturned, she should vote against overturning. I see that as a backwards way to approach the subject. I think if a developer approaches the city with millions of dollars to sink into buoying the local economy and improving the aesthetic quality of life, the city should have to be able to articulate an actual harm that would befall the city if the project goes forward in order to stop it.

Leveling a historic neighborhood to build a strip mall does harm to a city. Improving a squat, lifeless, aging building within a historic neighborhood does not. And if the city’s process is not able to arrive at that conclusion, than I maintain that it needs to be reexamined and possibly fixed for the sake of the vibrancy of the city.

In the meantime, I’ll be content to talk about something non-Edgewater-related for the next handful of weeks.

Well, leave it to mother nature to upstage all last week’s hype building up to the giant Edgewater redevelopment city council showdown. But now that most of us have finally finished digging out from the old-fashioned meteorological flogging, it’s time for the city to get down to business, and Madison’s informed citizenry to get back to rooting for our favorite side with all the fervor of booze-fueled Badger fans!

So it is I once again extend the open invitation to come watch the big city council debate, throw a few back, argue a bit and laugh a lot. I am convinced this will be the best place in town to follow the proceedings.

6:30 PM. Tuesday December 14. Amy’s Cafe at Gilman and State.

I hope to see a good crowd of interested citizenry, and in addition, I expect a few bloggers, pundits, politicians, former alders and media types, so it could be insightful as well as entertaining. Dane101 will certainly be well-represented. Bloggers are encouraged to come armed (with laptops), and provide amusement for members of the city council, as they are providing amusement for us. I do not have the technological capacity to set up a webcam, but if you do, Alder Mark Clear would appreciate it.

I’ll print off a couple sets of Jill Sixpack’s Madison Common Council Bingo cards for interested players, and I’ve also compiled a final list of rules for the Edgewater Debate Drinking Game. I had some help from readers and a certain Cap Times city reporter, but here’s how the game is played:

It’s not that I’m a Scrooge or a Grinch or a member of the liberal, secular pinko elite. I just think that when it comes to Christmas spirit and holiday cheer, there can very much be “too much of a good thing.”

So I find it a little bit impossible to get into the mood as early as some people choose to. I’ve already made my feelings on Black Friday shopping well-known, and I think playing Christmas music in October should be a bombable offense. But usually by the first or second weekend in December, when Capital Brewery has been pumping out their Winter Skal for some time and I’ve started slipping Doc McG’s into my coffee on a regular basis, I start to feel Christmasy, and it’s a wonderful feeling.

It finally hit me today, through two diametrically different traditions.

Today I booked it back to my hometown to see my littlest sister perform in her fourth and final Monroe High School Madrigal Dinner. Before her, my other little sister performed in the same dinner for three years. Before her, I performed in the same dinner for four years.

I haven’t worn tights since.

But being that a member of the family has been represented in the dinner for the past 11 years running, it was something of a bittersweet milestone, commemorated with a very sweet gesture from our parents. The music was still the same, the costumes were the same, but the students in them were generations removed from when I was the one giving the Wassail Toast. It was eerie.

I got talked into doing the thing when I was a freshman in high school, and didn’t take it very seriously at first. The costumes were goofy, the music was weird and the event itself caused me to miss a Packer game. Four years later, I was singing my heart out as my partner squeezed my hand for reassurance and we both bit back tears, knowing it was our last go-round in what had somehow, inexplicably become a tradition.

So glowing with those reminiscences and today’s Packer victory, I made my way back to Madison and decided to indulge in a much newer, yet equally sentimental, holiday tradition of my own — on my own.

A few years back, some good friends and I collaborated on one of the more colossal undertakings of my life. Coincidentally, it also started as an idea nobody took seriously.

One November evening, as we sat together in a writer’s meeting for the show we produced weekly for the UW’s student radio station, one of the crew blurted out, “We should make, like, a Christmas musical.” And we all stared at him dumbfounded, then made fun of him, then got back to the business at hand. And then somehow, we undertook what turned out to be one of the most harried, meaningful experiences of my college career, at least.

And so was born “Slightly Off Kristmas — a Slightly Off Kilter Adventure in 3d.” And we had so much fun making that, we decided to make a sequel the next year, called “Slightly Off Kristmas 2 — The Gospel According to Wiley.” And in the years since these things happened, I can’t really and truly get into the holiday spirit until I give them a listen and laugh myself silly.

Sure, the humor is a little dated (Hillary Clinton running for president and Brett Favre playing for the Packers?!? Oh my!). And sure, the whole thing is incredibly immature. But, damnit, the holidays are now forever linked, for me, to that group of people and the labor we invested in poking a little fun at the institution of Christmas. And until my dying day, I will not feel festive until I’ve hunkered down with a can of cheap beer and giggled my way through both episodes in their entirety.

So here, for your listening pleasure, is Slightly Off Kristmas. Moments to note include Russ Feingold’s solo (6:20), my falsetto(9:30), Jesus explaining the hard reality of business (15:30), the best rendition of “Bringing Sexy Back” ever (24:10), sawing the arms off one of Santa’s elves (28:30), an underlord of hell ****ing with the wrong state capitol analyst (32:45), Mrs. Claus at a sex toy party (37:20), gratuitous Star Wars references (54:30) and the greatest overstatement of the potential value of stem cell research in the history of mankind (57:00).

And then there’s a whole other episode. Enjoy.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

download Slightly Off Kristmas 1

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

download Slightly Off Kristmas 2

Just got the word from about three sources at once that tonight’s meeting of the Madison Common Council has been postponed due to the weather… and with it, so has the Edgewater Debate Drinking Game. Apparently, a WINTER STORM WARNING poses no threat to the travelling public, but we can’t have people out in the middle of a BLIZZARD WARNING.

Right now, they’re talking about rescheduling for a week from tonight, Tuesday December 15 at 6:30 PM. I’ll poke around to make sure the Edgewater Debate will actually happen on that night, but let’s plan on having the watch party then — same time, same place, less snow.

In the meantime, curl up on the couch, grab a coffee and focus on something that’s NOT EDGEWATER. Stay warm and be safe, we’ll see you next week!